Leaving the Ghosts Behind

If you could look into the future for a moment would you do it ? It sounds like a golden opportunity but it could be terrifying. When we think of the future we imagine our happiest dreams and wishes and we suppress the nightmare ending. Think of a year ago or even a few months. Did you imagine what today would feel like ? I know that I didn’t and I suspect that if you could you are unusually stable or your life is very dull.
If you could go back to a point and change the stream of your life would you ? I wouldn’t because its all a single journey and all the stops, good and bad, lead you to this moment. Whatever the negatives, failures and challenges of this time, I am happy in this precious moment. There are massive waves ahead and some of them will be made of tears but there are golden hours aplenty.
Personally, I have turned my back to the past because much of it aches but the future pulses and feels alive with promise. Perhaps I just haven’t learned from what has gone before but I doubt it. People around me cling to what they have but I leap into the abyss and trust that fate will open her parachute. She always has and there have been feather bed landings and times I have crashed through the undergrowth and come to a painful halt in the swamp.
On the train home yesterday I watched a woman quietly sobbing whilst the bloated, clearly drunk ogre she was with berated her for some perceived misbehaviour. He became more irate, more spiteful and she slumped lower and lower in her seat. After a few minutes I said ‘enough’. He choked mid sentence and glared at me, his face red and hateful, but he stopped. He stormed off and left her at the next stop and she looked utterly beaten. I told her that the future will mend the pain and she nodded and smiled briefly. She probably thought I was a deranged crank but I hope she finds a happier place ahead. In the darkest, most painful moments there is the knowledge that this page will eventually turn and your favourite chapter lies ahead. You don’t know its your favourite chapter but it will be when you close the book and reflect in your final moments.
As for the glimpse into the future, I don’t think I would. I don’t want to see any empty darkness and I like the uncertainty and roller coaster of life. I particularly don’t want to roll up at my own funeral! Essentially, I already know it will be wonderful so why speculate. Let the ghosts have their past, the detractors have the present and I will have the future.
On the subject of ghosts I feel them around me sometimes. Not the clinking, clanking ghouls but the ghosts of moments past. They fade as they lose their hold and watch you move into the light. The people who hate, bully and conspire are already ghosts. You hear the noise and sense their toxic stench but they can’t hold onto you. They will stay in this moment and be left behind.
I know a man whose life was a living hell but he is a good man and a fighter. At his worse he was a drug addicted shell who lost his home, child and the only woman he could ever love. He swam to the darkest caves of existence and thought hard about ending it. In the end he turned it around through sheer will and personal courage. He has his family and he has a peace I envy. This is a man who I once left in despair and assumed I wouldn’t see alive again. When I think the odds have defeated me, I remember that terrible day and I think of him now. He has won because he fought for what he loved in his life.
I will always fight for the same and I will win. If I didn’t think that I would pull the duvet over my head for eternity.

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